Archive for May, 2008

I am still not relieved

May 22, 2008 Leave a comment

Something has been worrying me for a long time. However hard I try to get it out of my system it is tightening its grip around me. Has anyone one of you felt the anguish of not knowing the exact reason why you are poignant? I have been through that a lot but this time I know the reason. I have been missing the thrill of chasing my dreams. The small dreams which had started from my childhood. Dreams of being like my father, neatly dressed, going to a big office for work, driving a luxurious car, being the man of our house. Dreams of being a human being, who can care, listen and love unconditionally. All the verve and zest in dreaming were lost in the struggle to succeed and earn a true identity in this world.

How did I change from a contender to a fierce competitor? Or should the question be when did the monster get unleashed? Every time I look at the mirror the image that greets me is a boy who is wearing a mask of compromiser. I never understood that word at all. But now it has become the oxygen of my very existence. What hurts me is not the change, but the effects of the change. The idea of stamping ones back to progress to my next level, have a dual character all hurts at times. I am scared of being alone because of fear of confrontation with my conscience.

There is a lot of stuff that I do now, which would not have crossed my mind earlier. Gone are the days where I could look at someone for advice. Now people look at me for vision. But someone times my vision itself stabs me in my heart. But has left enough life in me to receive more. I have taken everything in the true spirit.

All I know is that all my friends at one point or another has always misunderstood me. They have whispered in each other’s ears about the person I am. They can’t take my attitude much longer. Every time a fight breaks is when these opinions arise. I am accustomed to these complaints now. All I have is one question to all the friendly folks. I hope it gives all of you a lot of happiness in blaming a person without understanding the whole situation.

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